WHAT'S WITH THE RICE??

July 27, 2006


"Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes"....There's a lyric that has often been repeated in my presence, and usually by my roommate Brian. Naturally I assumed there would be some changes in my attitude when I moved here, but more than that I wanted to escape the attitude of my old city of Greensboro-- mainly with respect to racism. Yes, I know that racism is everywhere and in many forms, and there is no way to escape it; but it's a little different here.
In my humble and useless opinion, Greensboro is the birthplace of modern racism. The Woolworth Lunch Counter Sit-in of February 1, 1960, could easily be considered the birthplace of the Civil Rights Movement. The Nazi-Klan Shootout of 1979 gave us more notoriety in racial affairs and a tasteless skit on Saturday Night Live. The NC A&T State University in Greensboro is the Alma Mater of Jessie Jackson ("I AM....an Aggie!"), and the resulting civic pride of the black community saw many seeking further leadership from Louis Farrakhan. Though the city is basically peaceful, underlying racial tension can be uncomfortable, especially when compounded by the fastest-growing Hispanic population in the US also clamoring for special "rights", and having to hear rednecks complain about it all.

Here on Maui, there is plenty of racism also; the difference is that everyone here is a minority, so racism is actually funny to most. It's treated more like good-natured smack talk between fans of opposing football teams. If, for some reason, the group that you are with are all of the same minority, then the group is forced to denigrate each other's hometowns. This is truly a melting pot, and everyone is having fun diving off of the rim.

One of the prevalent minorities is of Portuguese descent. The first family I met fell into this catagory and they have a blast bashing themselves. They way they explain it to me, there are two subclasses of Portuguese: There are the Portuguese--who sailed over in boats--- and then there are the Portugee (porta-GEE) who swam. That was the extent of the explaination, but I'm guessing that the former group doesn't indulge in near as much marijuana abuse as the latter.
Among the native Hawaiians, there appears to be three classes. The first are your basic, down-home friendly folk who enjoy cashing in on tourism. Sure, they'd like the island to remain in an undeveloped natural state, but the know they'd get bored, and, besides, they're gonna make a fortune in land prospecting. The second group finds tourism irritating, yet necessary....they know that they'd be unemployed without it, and their families didn't have the luxury of land ownership. They voice their sentiments with a message pasted on the rear windows of their cars: "WELCOME TO HAWAII...NOW GO HOME". The third class is the worst, and is considered to be an embarrassment: the Mokes. My friend Corey summed them up pretty well: "They're fat, they're drunk, and they're extremely racist...they are the official Hawaiian redneck". These guys enjoy harassing tourists and white locals. They are known to start fights in parks around the island, and are the ones often heard yelling "Hoale go home!". One of their favorite haunts is the Ioa Valley, where they enjoy burglarizing or stealing cars. The local wisdom says "you can always spot a tourist's car because the windows are cracked for air". It's just a bad idea to leave your car open in any way, anywhere. Now, I'm thinking that there's a good reason to be causing trouble in Ioa Valley if you're a moke: the valley, with it's pristine natural majesty, was the worship place for native gods; tourism can almost be seen as a desecration in the eyes of the proud Hawaiian native.
Haoles (HOW-lays: white people) are are becoming increasingly tolerated and accepted, and the word hoale doesn't have the racist connotation that it once had (unless you're a Moke). Twenty years ago, however, the word "haole" was almost always preceded by an adjective such as "stupid" or "fu***ng". Now, as it is with all minorities, haole is just what you are. If you're white, you're a haole. Get used to it.

My town of Kihei has a really large population of resident white people, so it's often referred to as Haolewood. As you leave Haolewood and cross the cane fields to Kahului, you can look at the mountainsides and see the towns of Wailuku, Waikupu, Pu'unene, Macawao, and Kula (Google a map). Just around the corner of the Haleakala volcano is Paia and Haiku. All of these towns' residents have a rivalry with each other, though I'm not sure why other than just to have something to talk about. Well, there are a couple of legitimate rivalries.... Wailuku hates Kahului because it became a sprawl town and took all Wailuku's business and jobs away. Kihei is a town with all the standard amenities, so it attracts white folk who like convenience (like me); and further down the highway past Kihei is Wailea, where all the rich white people with golf memberships live. The natives apparently had the foresight to decide that if they are going to be invaded by honkies, they should all be forced to reside in the desert.
Personally, I have a resentment against Wailuku because it's the county seat. When I went there to replace my "laminated" Social Security card, they made me take a number when I was the only person in the office. Seriously. I took a number, took one step, handed it to the receptionist and was called to the window. Screw them.

*********

"Okay", I thought....."I get that this is a predominantly Asian culture. But, seriously: what's with the rice???"
In the first stock-the-fridge trip to the grocery store, the rice selection caught my eye, and it was amusing at the time: stacks of 20-pound bags, and two flavors of Uncle Ben's about four small boxes deep. I should have seen that as a harbinger of things to come.
Here's the deal: you're going to eat white sticky rice. And you're going to like it.
On my birthday, we made a trip to Outback Steakhouse, and we were all excited about having a steak with that killer sweet potato on the side. But guess what? They DON'T SERVE the sweet potato! You will have white rice! At the Outback!!
I stopped for lunch at a grocery store deli counter...much to my surprise, there appeared to be some Southern fare for consumption! I ordered a lunch plate: a meat and two vegetables. Then this exchange happened with the little old Asian lady behind the counter:
"A lunch plate is a meat and two vegetables, right?"
"Yes"
"Okay, I'll have the stuffed cabbage..."
"You only get one!"
"Umm...right. And two vegetables, right?"
"Yes."
"Okay, I'll have the stuffed cabbage and..."
"You only get one!"
(eyes glaze over, bewilderment sets in)
"Does the cabbage have pork in it? I mean, is it a meat?"
"Yes"
"Okay, can I have two vegetables with it?"
"Yes"
"Okay....I'd like......a stuffed cabbage and..."
"But you only get one!"
( I hang my head. I ponder. I decide to try again. A different tactic.)
"Can I get some green beans?"
"Yes"
"Great! I'll have green beans and mashed potatoes with the stuffed cabbage!"
"Okay, but you only get one!"
(I'm at a loss. I still don't know what this means. Nevertheless, she opens the styrofoam container. I watch intently as she serves the green beans in the small corner compartment. Oh, yes. I'm getting green beans! Then she turns around...I can't see what's happening...she returns. I look. I blink. There's a mound of white rice in the other compartment!!)
"NO, No,no....I would like mashed potatoes! No rice!"
(She's puzzled, confused....she ponders. She reaches down with her spoon. She lifts out the white rice. She places it back down in the large entree compartment! My mind reels. I have no recourse but to giggle silently. She serves mashed potatoes in the small compartment. She asks if I want gravy. I say yes. She pours the gravy over the rice.)
"Do you want anything else?" she asks.
"Yes, the stuffed cabbage." (And an aspirin.)
"You only get one!" (Make that two aspirin.)
"One will be fine! Thanks!"
(She serves. I check out. $6.99 plus tax. I have ten minutes to return and eat.)

I started getting lunch across the street at a lunch plate store called Nagasako's, and that's just what it is: a lunch plate store. There's a deli hot foot display, a fountain and a cash register. After 3 visits, they figure me for a malihini (resident haole), and start increasing my serving sizes, complete with two mounds of white rice. Once I ordered macaroni salad, and was asked if I wanted gravy on it. I can only assume that Asians are taught in school that white people with southern accents like gravy, but weren't taught what gravy is served with.

But after much consideration, I have decided to surrender. I will do as the Romans do. I will embrace the rice. I will eat it with every meal. I may even go to the convenience mart on a whim and order a Spam Musubi (though probably not anytime soon). I will eat my rice plain if offered that way. I will smile, and be AS ONE with the rice. And the reason that I will do this is because I have magically gained 16 pounds since I have arrived....16 pounds that have eluded me for my entire life no matter how much I ate.

THAT'S what's with the rice.